But we aren’t, because life isn’t always fair.
Almost 13 years ago, my brother, Chad, died in a four-wheeler accident. He was driving, and he had a friend riding on the back. He was driving it down a familiar road to take the friend home. They lost control, went off the road, and crashed into a barbed wire fence. The friend was kicked off the back. He was hurt but lived. My brother was thrown forward into the fence and he was dead within moments.
I will never forget the night it happened. I was sitting in my apartment and I had just finished eating dinner. I was playing a video game with a friend when my phone rang. It was my dad calling. Before I even answered, I knew something was wrong. I had a sickening feeling in my gut, and I felt my hand start shaking as I picked up the phone.
As my dad told me what happened, I could hear the grief in his voice, and I could feel it in my heart. Anguish and sorrow came crashing in like a tidal wave that I was completely helpless to avoid. I was swept away.
During the weeks that followed, I was a wreck. I don’t think there was a single waking moment where I wasn’t crying. But even sleep wasn’t a refuge. I had nightmares where I was watching the accident happen but I was powerless to stop it. The grief consumed me.
When you face a tragedy like that, no one heals overnight. It takes time, and you heal in stages. For me, it was weeks before I felt any emotion other than grief. And it took several months before I had a day where I didn’t feel grief at all. I spent the next two years terrified every time the phone rang. I was afraid that every call was more bad news. And it was almost 6 years later before I could go anywhere near a four-wheeler. Eventually, the nightmares faded, the days became easier, and the grief washed away.
There are some days where I struggle to picture his face or remember the sound of his voice, and I feel like I am losing my memory of him. But there are other days, where the memory is so fresh and vibrant that I could swear he is beside me. Sometimes I hear a song or see something that reminds me of my brother, and I remember the fun times we had. It puts a smile on my face but a longing in my heart.
Grief can be very hard to endure. It lingers with you, and it changes you. When I was in the depths of my own grief, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to go off and hide and avoid everyone around me. And at the same time, I was also desperate for human contact. My heart was so heavy with grief, but it longed to feel love again. And I didn’t know how to reconcile all that I was feeling.
I spent a lot of time after my brother died questioning God. I didn’t blame God for what happened, but I didn’t understand why it happened. And more to the point, I didn’t understand why God allowed it to happen. Even now, 13 years later, I still don’t have an answer to the why, and I don’t think I ever will.
But even though God never directly answered my question of why, He also didn’t ignore me. During my grief, I felt God’s love around me in so many ways. He was right there comforting me and carrying me through the process.
When I was younger, I found it easier to think of Jesus as more divine. He was God. Perfect and sinless. He was an ideal embodiment of all that is good. But as wonderful as that part of Jesus is, I always struggled to relate to it. That is why it was so amazing to me to realize that Jesus was fully divine, but also fully human. And in his humanity, he experienced life exactly like we do, with all the ups and downs and twists and turns that life can bring. Jesus felt the same emotions that we feel, even grief.
In Matthew 14, we see the story of the death of John the Baptist. John, as you may recall, was Jesus’ cousin. John had been arrested and ultimately killed in prison by Herod. In verses 12-13, we read this:
“Then John’s disciples came and took away the body and buried it, and went and told Jesus. When Jesus heard it, He immediately departed from there by boat to a deserted place by Himself.”
The Bible doesn’t go into detail about what happened when Jesus was by himself, but I think Jesus went there to grieve and to pray. John was his cousin, and I believe that Jesus felt the loss on a personal level. I wonder what thoughts went through Jesus’ mind. Was He remembering times with John from His childhood? Or remembering His own baptism by John at the river? Maybe in light of John’s death, Jesus was also thinking about His own impending death. I think He knew the cross was approaching and that His own death was near. Admittedly, we don’t know exactly what Jesus was thinking, but it is clear that He wanted to be alone.
But then an interesting thing happens next in the story. While Jesus was trying to be alone, a very large crowd followed Him out there and gathered around Him. Jesus saw the crowd and was filled with compassion for them, and He began to immediately heal the sick within the crowd. He went on to use a few pieces of bread and fish to feed the whole crowd of five thousand people.
In the midst of His grief, Jesus helped this hungry and hurting crowd. He saw many of them sick and probably filled with their own grief and anguish. He could have ignored them, but He didn’t. He could have hidden and wallowed within His own grief, but He chose to meet their needs instead. I think He knew the pain He was feeling and didn’t want anyone in the crowd to have to feel it. So he healed them, fed them, and spoke life into them.
But the story is not done yet. Immediately after feeding them, He sent the crowd away. Then Jesus sends his disciples away on a boat, and Jesus tries to go up a mountain to pray by himself. But a storm came and the disciples’ boat was being tossed about. They were filled with fear until they saw Jesus walking towards them on the water. With a wave of His hand, Jesus was able to calm the storm and the crashing sea.
The story of Jesus feeding five thousand is a well known Bible story. And so is the story of Jesus walking on the water. I have read them many times, but I never paid attention to the fact that they happened on the same day. It’s even more remarkable when you realize that it is also the same day that Jesus found out about the death of his cousin, John the Baptist.
Jesus gets this heartbreaking news about John, and he tries to go away by himself to process it and grieve. But life keeps going, and the crowd of five thousand need him. And Jesus gives of Himself to meet their needs. Then he tries again to go away by himself to grieve and to pray, but a storm rages and Jesus’ closest friends need Him. So He does the impossible and walks on water to meet them where they were. And with a wave of His hand, He calms the storm around them. Jesus does all this while dealing with the emotional storm of grief within His own heart.
What a day that must have been.
When I found myself dealing with the grief of my brother’s loss, I wanted to hide away too. But life wouldn’t let me. The people around me needed me, and I needed them. Life had to keep going. And my own grief made me more aware of how others were also hurting. Like Jesus, I found that there were crowds around me who were hungry and hurting. And there were storms raging in the lives of my friends and family. I was grieving, but I also had to keep living. And helping those around me bear their load, made my load lighter as well.
I miss my brother, but I try to honor him every day through my life. The time we had together may have been short, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Today, I honor him, and I celebrate the memories of him I have. I believe that one day we will meet again.
And what a day that will be.
