My Brother

Today, March 15th, is a hard day for my family. It is filled with many happy memories, but it is also a reminder of what we lost. You see, today should have been my brother’s 34th birthday. We should be planning out how to celebrate it with him, and where we want to take him to out to eat. We should be laughing together and telling jokes and stories.

But we aren’t, because life isn’t always fair.

Almost 13 years ago, my brother, Chad, died in a four-wheeler accident. He was driving, and he had a friend riding on the back. He was driving it down a familiar road to take the friend home. They lost control, went off the road, and crashed into a barbed wire fence. The friend was kicked off the back. He was hurt but lived. My brother was thrown forward into the fence and he was dead within moments.

I will never forget the night it happened. I was sitting in my apartment and I had just finished eating dinner. I was playing a video game with a friend when my phone rang. It was my dad calling. Before I even answered, I knew something was wrong. I had a sickening feeling in my gut, and I felt my hand start shaking as I picked up the phone.

As my dad told me what happened, I could hear the grief in his voice, and I could feel it in my heart. Anguish and sorrow came crashing in like a tidal wave that I was completely helpless to avoid. I was swept away.

During the weeks that followed, I was a wreck. I don’t think there was a single waking moment where I wasn’t crying. But even sleep wasn’t a refuge. I had nightmares where I was watching the accident happen but I was powerless to stop it. The grief consumed me.

When you face a tragedy like that, no one heals overnight. It takes time, and you heal in stages. For me, it was weeks before I felt any emotion other than grief. And it took several months before I had a day where I didn’t feel grief at all. I spent the next two years terrified every time the phone rang. I was afraid that every call was more bad news. And it was almost 6 years later before I could go anywhere near a four-wheeler. Eventually, the nightmares faded, the days became easier, and the grief washed away.

There are some days where I struggle to picture his face or remember the sound of his voice, and I feel like I am losing my memory of him. But there are other days, where the memory is so fresh and vibrant that I could swear he is beside me. Sometimes I hear a song or see something that reminds me of my brother, and I remember the fun times we had. It puts a smile on my face but a longing in my heart. 

Grief can be very hard to endure. It lingers with you, and it changes you. When I was in the depths of my own grief, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to go off and hide and avoid everyone around me. And at the same time, I was also desperate for human contact. My heart was so heavy with grief, but it longed to feel love again. And I didn’t know how to reconcile all that I was feeling.

I spent a lot of time after my brother died questioning God. I didn’t blame God for what happened, but I didn’t understand why it happened. And more to the point, I didn’t understand why God allowed it to happen. Even now, 13 years later, I still don’t have an answer to the why, and I don’t think I ever will.

But even though God never directly answered my question of why, He also didn’t ignore me. During my grief, I felt God’s love around me in so many ways. He was right there comforting me and carrying me through the process.

When I was younger, I found it easier to think of Jesus as more divine. He was God. Perfect and sinless. He was an ideal embodiment of all that is good. But as wonderful as that part of Jesus is, I always struggled to relate to it. That is why it was so amazing to me to realize that Jesus was fully divine, but also fully human. And in his humanity, he experienced life exactly like we do, with all the ups and downs and twists and turns that life can bring. Jesus felt the same emotions that we feel, even grief.

In Matthew 14, we see the story of the death of John the Baptist. John, as you may recall, was Jesus’ cousin. John had been arrested and ultimately killed in prison by Herod. In verses 12-13, we read this:

“Then John’s disciples came and took away the body and buried it, and went and told Jesus. When Jesus heard it, He immediately departed from there by boat to a deserted place by Himself.”

The Bible doesn’t go into detail about what happened when Jesus was by himself, but I think Jesus went there to grieve and to pray. John was his cousin, and I believe that Jesus felt the loss on a personal level. I wonder what thoughts went through Jesus’ mind. Was He remembering times with John from His childhood? Or remembering His own baptism by John at the river? Maybe in light of John’s death, Jesus was also thinking about His own impending death. I think He knew the cross was approaching and that His own death was near. Admittedly, we don’t know exactly what Jesus was thinking, but it is clear that He wanted to be alone.

But then an interesting thing happens next in the story. While Jesus was trying to be alone, a very large crowd followed Him out there and gathered around Him. Jesus saw the crowd and was filled with compassion for them, and He began to immediately heal the sick within the crowd. He went on to use a few pieces of bread and fish to feed the whole crowd of five thousand people. 

In the midst of His grief, Jesus helped this hungry and hurting crowd. He saw many of them sick and probably filled with their own grief and anguish. He could have ignored them, but He didn’t. He could have hidden and wallowed within His own grief, but He chose to meet their needs instead. I think He knew the pain He was feeling and didn’t want anyone in the crowd to have to feel it. So he healed them, fed them, and spoke life into them. 

But the story is not done yet. Immediately after feeding them, He sent the crowd away. Then Jesus sends his disciples away on a boat, and Jesus tries to go up a mountain to pray by himself. But a storm came and the disciples’ boat was being tossed about. They were filled with fear until they saw Jesus walking towards them on the water. With a wave of His hand, Jesus was able to calm the storm and the crashing sea.

The story of Jesus feeding five thousand is a well known Bible story. And so is the story of Jesus walking on the water. I have read them many times, but I never paid attention to the fact that they happened on the same day. It’s even more remarkable when you realize that it is also the same day that Jesus found out about the death of his cousin, John the Baptist. 

Jesus gets this heartbreaking news about John, and he tries to go away by himself to process it and grieve. But life keeps going, and the crowd of five thousand need him. And Jesus gives of Himself to meet their needs. Then he tries again to go away by himself to grieve and to pray, but a storm rages and Jesus’ closest friends need Him. So He does the impossible and walks on water to meet them where they were. And with a wave of His hand, He calms the storm around them. Jesus does all this while dealing with the emotional storm of grief within His own heart.

What a day that must have been.

When I found myself dealing with the grief of my brother’s loss, I wanted to hide away too. But life wouldn’t let me. The people around me needed me, and I needed them. Life had to keep going. And my own grief made me more aware of how others were also hurting. Like Jesus, I found that there were crowds around me who were hungry and hurting. And there were storms raging in the lives of my friends and family. I was grieving, but I also had to keep living. And helping those around me bear their load, made my load lighter as well.

I miss my brother, but I try to honor him every day through my life. The time we had together may have been short, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Today, I honor him, and I celebrate the memories of him I have. I believe that one day we will meet again.

And what a day that will be.

Faith vs Fear

There’s a story I heard when I was younger. I can’t quite remember where I heard it or who told it to me, but the story itself stuck with me. It goes something like this:

There was a young boy struggling with a moral decision, so he went to his grandfather for advice. The old man sat quietly while he listened to his grandson’s problem. After a few moments, the man spoke. “My son, there is a battle between two lions inside us all. One is good, just, and kind. The other is evil, selfish, and greedy.”

The boy was perplexed by the response. After thinking it over, he asked, “Grandfather, which lion wins the battle?” The old man turned toward the boy and quietly responded, “The one you feed.”

None of us are perfect, and we all have battles raging inside us. In my own life, there is one particular battle that happens in my mind. It has been there in some form or another as long as I can remember. It’s a territorial dispute of sorts over an area of my life. Let’s call that area “Control.”

As a Christian, I believe that God has the ultimate authority and control over my life. And yet, I find myself constantly fighting him for control. This is especially true for me when I am dealing with fear, particularly the fear of uncertainty. When I am afraid, I have a tendency to try to tightly control the situation. Somehow I think I can limit the fear, or at the very least, I can lessen its impact. Usually, I accomplish this by trying to avoid whatever situation is causing the fear. I run from it, and I hide. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve built up over a very long time.

Life can be wonderful and filled with love and laughter. But it is also difficult, hard, and painful at times. Somewhere along the way, I decided that the best plan to avoid the bad days was to hide from them. Why risk feeling the pain at all? If I didn’t put myself out there, I couldn’t hurt. But this led me to an entirely different problem. Without the risk, there could be no reward. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. By hiding from the bad, I was also hiding from the good that could have been there too. My fear and uncertainty led me to try to control and manage my life. But in a way, it often kept me from actually living my life. 

When it comes to the control of my life, I think there is actually two ends of the spectrum. One is fear, and how I let the fear guide me. But on the opposite side of that is something marvelous and miraculous: Faith.

When I stop giving into fear, I allow faith to take over. Faith that God is in control. Faith that God knows better than I do. Faith that even if the road ahead is hard or painful, that God has the strength to get me through it. Faith that He has a plan and good things in store for me. Fear brought me anxiety, confusion, and anguish. But faith gives me peace, joy, and hope. 

For me, the choice between fear and faith is ongoing. I need to choose fresh every day to not live in fear. And some days, I handle it better than others. But it is a daily choice to let go of the control and to simply trust God. 

When fear, anxiety, and uncertainty starts to overwhelm me, I have to remind myself that God didn’t give me those feelings. Those came from the enemy. The Bible describes the devil as a “roaring lion seeking whom he can devour.” Jesus, on the other hand, is the “Lion of the tribe of Judah” and is “the author and finisher of our faith”.

Which lion are you feeding?

Red in the Ledger

In college, I studied business. One of the required classes was Accounting. It wasn’t my favorite subject, but it stuck with me and has proved very useful over the years. At its core, accounting is very simple. You write down all the money coming in and all the money going out. All of this is recorded in a ledger. 

Traditionally, when you have money coming in, you write it in black ink. But when you are in the negative, you write it in red ink. The entire flow of money is then tallied together and written at the bottom of the ledger, and you hope that the bottom number is black and not red.

It’s a simple concept, but it requires a lot of work and diligence to maintain. If you are running a business, you hopefully work hard to make sure that you stay in the positive. Your goal is to make a profit. In fact, it is probably the single most important indicator of whether the business is a success. Is the business in the red or in the black?

It’s a concept that we often try to apply to ourselves in other ways. Throughout our lives, we make both good choices and bad. We will have triumphs and failures. And many of us work diligently to ensure that we have more good than bad. We believe that if our good actions outweigh the bad, then we are essentially good people. 

In the first Avengers movie, there is a scene where the bad guy, Loki, is locked up. One of the Avengers, Black Widow, comes to chat with him. She wants information to help them save one of the other Avengers. Loki slyly turns the questioning back on her. He challenges her and wants to know why she is working so hard to save her friend. Black Widow responds that she owes him a debt. He had saved her life. She says that she has red in her ledger and that she wants to wipe it out. Loki then lists off several bad things she has done and asks if she can really erase all that.

Similarly, there is a tv show called “My Name is Earl”. Earl is a career criminal, constantly doing petty crimes and misdemeanors. But after a near-death experience, he decides to change his ways. He makes a list of every bad thing he has ever done and slowly starts working through the list trying to make up for each one of his mistakes.

In my own life, I have often thought this way too. When I messed up, I would immediately look for something good I could do to balance the scales. Maybe if I pray extra hard today, it will make up for that lie I told. Maybe if I give just a little more money to the offering plate, it will wipe out how selfish I was yesterday. 

It’s very easy to fall into that line of thinking, but ultimately, it will get you nowhere. Thinking like that sets you up to fail. It is a trap.

You see, God’s word declares that all of us have sinned. And that sin marks us. It carries a weight and a price that we can never pay. No matter how many good deeds we do, it will never be enough to cover even one of our sins. There is absolutely nothing we can do to remove the red from our own ledgers.

But Jesus can.

Jesus' death on the cross paid the wages of our sin, and in doing so, He covered the red in our ledgers. And we didn’t have to earn this either. He did it freely. It was a gift.

Ephesians 2:8-9 says “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, and not by works, so that no one can boast.”

The only thing we have to do is have faith in Him. Surrender to Him. And there is freedom in that surrender. In Romans 8:1, it says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

We are still human and we will continue to make mistakes. But if you have given your life to Christ, then you don’t need to earn God’s grace anymore. When you do mess up, Jesus has already written in your ledger. That debt is settled once and for all. You don’t have to walk around feeling condemned any longer.

We do need to be careful though. Jesus’ sacrifice does not give us permission to sin freely. And we may still need to face the consequences of our sin. But if we are in Christ, His grace and forgiveness are freely given. It will never run out. 

If you are still struggling with this, or if you feel like you need to earn God’s love, know that there is hope for you. Your salvation is not determined by a list of all the good and bad things you have done. You don’t need to be perfect before you come to Jesus. Instead, bring your imperfections, your sin, and your shame. Lay them at His feet. Trust in Him, and find rest in His wonderful, amazing grace.

A Knight in Shining Armor

With speed and determination, the knight dashes forward. He races toward the danger with reckless fury. His sword and shield held high as he charges ahead to face his opponent the dragon. And not just any dragon. This is the fiercest and most cunning dragon in the land. No knight has ever fought him and lived.

But this knight isn’t afraid. He runs to the battle because the dragon has something precious to the knight: his lady, the beautiful princess. And nothing will stand in the way of their love. So the knight fights for all he is worth, and after a long and grueling battle, he emerges victorious. The dragon is defeated. The knight has won the day and the heart of the princess. And they lived happily ever after.

It’s a captivating and familiar story. Versions of it are told over and over again in our culture. And almost every child instinctively knows the story. It’s woven into our subconscious. As a kid, I definitely wanted to be the knight. I wanted to test my strength and fight the dragon. And I longed to win the love of a beautiful maiden. 

Brave knights and beautiful princesses. Our culture has romanticized them. Their imagery and depictions abound. Disney has made a media empire from them. And we have taken the idea and pushed it to extremes. We’ve made them flawless in our eyes.

Take the knight for instance. He stands tall and proud. Classically handsome with a movie star grin. A look of pure determination on his face. The sharp blade of his sword hangs by his side. His armor is beautiful and fierce, all at the same time. Bright silver in color with an ornate gold inlay on the chest. This knight stands out among the crowd. He is no peasant or lowly countryman. He is regal and royal. In short, he is practically perfect in every way. 

And that is the image that so many boys and men try to live up to. The perfect, flawless hero. Similarly, many young girls try to live up to the image of the princess. 

But can any of us ever really live up to such perfection? I don’t think we can. And often, some of our deepest wounds occur the day we discover that we can’t live up to those impossible expectations. 

But it’s not just ourselves that we hold to such high standards. We also learn to expect it in others, especially when it comes to dating relationships. We look for Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect. We seek out that idealized version. And often, our own expectations can set the bar so high that no one can ever meet it. We set each other up to fail. 

In high school and college, there was a piece of advice I heard over and over again. I heard it in school and in church. I heard it from my parents, coaches, mentors, and friends. The advice was this: 

Make a list of exactly what you want from a future mate, and don’t settle for anything less than what’s on that list.

I don’t think that is necessarily bad advice, but I have always thought it was incomplete advice. Take me for example. As a young man, I had no clue what I really wanted. And so my list was skewed to look like the picture-perfect version of the princess. I wrote about her hair color, height, and the color of her eyes. I listed the ideal jobs she should have and fun hobbies or activities that we should want to do together. And that’s all well and good, but not one single item on my list described her character. I was missing the point of the entire exercise.

But there was something else I was missing as well. I was so focused on how I thought the princess should be, that I never stopped to consider myself and the kind of man I wanted to be. And I needed to know who that guy was before I could know what I really wanted and needed out of a relationship. That was a lesson that I didn’t learn until much later in life.

If I could go back and give advice to my teenage self, I would change that list. Instead of writing about what I expected the girl to be like, I would first write a list about the man I wanted to be.

And when my daughter is old enough, that is the advice I intend to give her. To write a list about the kind of person she wants to be. Figure that out first, and start working towards it. And I want her to know that she doesn’t have to look or act exactly like the princess our culture says she should be. God made her unique, and He didn’t mess up when he created her. I want to encourage her to be her own kind of princess, and then she can find the right kind of prince.

As for me, the circumstances of the past year have caused me to think a lot about the kind of man I am and who I want to be. Life wasn’t fair, and my character was put to the test. It was painful and there were days I wanted to give up. But the goodness of God got me through it. My faith in Him is stronger, and I am even more certain of the kind of man I want to be.

I still want to be the knight, but not the picture perfect fantasy version. His armor is too perfect and unblemished. No signs of battle on it anywhere. And frankly, that knight looks like he came from the spa instead of the battlefield. That’s not who I am, and it’s not who I want to be. 

You see, my armor isn’t bright and shiny. It looks tattered and marred. It has known battle. It’s been tested by the fire, and it withstood the heat. And it’s not just my armor that looks rough. I have wounds and battle scars as well. I don’t look regal or royal, and I don’t stand out in the crowd. But I know how to fight. I know what it takes to stare the dragon in the face and to stand my ground.

So here is my declaration of intent. This is the man I choose to be:

First and foremost, I want to be the kind of man who seeks after God. Without Him as my guide, I will never be the kind of leader I desire to be. And I want my faith in Him to be an example for my family. 

I want to be the kind of man who goes to battle for the ones I love. To pour out my strength to protect and defend them. Both in earthly battles and in spiritual battles as well. 

I want to be the kind of husband and father that prays diligently for my family. The kind of man who gets down on his knees and cries out to God for the sake of my family.

I want to be the kind of man that would lay down my life for my family. The kind of man that puts their needs ahead of my own desires.

I want to be an honest and trustworthy man. The kind of man that brings honor to my family. I want to defend the truth and stand up for what is right.

I want to be the kind of husband and father that encourages my family. I want my words and actions to lift them up and not tear them down. I want to give of myself to help them reach their full potential.

I want to be the kind of man that helps those in need. The kind of man who fights for those who can’t fight for themselves. I want to be the kind of man that gives hope to those around me.

I want to be the kind of husband and father that my family could look up to. The kind of man that they could be proud of.

I know that I am not perfect, and I will mess up sometimes. So I want to be the kind of man who owns up to my mistakes. I want to be the kind of man that is willing to admit when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness. I want to be the kind of man that is not afraid to ask for help when I need it.

I want to be the kind of man who doesn’t take the easy way out. The kind of man willing to put in the hard work and do the right thing, even when others don’t.

I want to be the kind of man that is slow to anger and quick to forgive. 

That is who I want to be. That is how I want to live my life every day. And some days I am better at it than others. I am still a work in progress, but aren’t we all. I hope I never reach a place where I think I am so good and perfect that I stop trying to be better. 

No, I’m not the perfect knight from the fairy tale. I don’t look the part. I don’t have the chiseled jawline and the perfect smile. I’m not rich or famous. But that’s okay with me. I am proud of the man that I am. And one day the right princess will look at me and still see a prince. Until then, I will hold fast and continue to be the kind of man God has created and called me to be.

Valentine's Day

Heart-shaped boxes filled with chocolate. Romantic dinners. Bouquets of beautiful roses. Cupid fluttering about in the air. This can only mean that Valentine’s Day is upon us.

Valentine’s Day is an interesting holiday. It can be a cause for either joy or sadness, depending on your relationship status. If you are in a committed relationship, you might want to celebrate the day. Use it to honor your significant other. But if you are single, Valentine’s Day could be a depressing reminder of the fact that you are not in a relationship.

My life took some drastic turns this past year, and it has been rough in the romance department for me. Lots of heartache and loss. And so I find myself facing Valentine’s day as a single man. 

I had a friend ask me recently how I was going to handle Valentine’s day. He was afraid that I would spend the day alone and depressed. And from the outside looking in, I can understand how he thought it might be a rough day for me. You see, I’ve always been a bit of hopeless romantic. I love romantic comedy movies and stories. I love big, grand, romantic gestures. And I adore happy endings. I almost always cry at weddings. Especially when the groom sees his bride walking down the aisle. When they make eye contact at that moment, it tugs on my heartstrings every time. 

But the trouble with being a hopeless romantic is that it’s not just the joys of love that we feel intensely. We are equally affected by the sting of betrayal, the heartache of unrequited love, and the sorrow of a lost love. These are emotions that I know all too well. So my friend worried that I would spend Valentine’s Day dwelling on my past and on what I have lost. Six months ago, I probably would have agreed with him.

When my marriage ended, I wasn’t sure if my heart could recover. And even if it could, I didn’t know if I could ever trust anyone with my heart again. A part of me thought I would be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. I believed any chance of romantic happiness was gone for good. I felt pretty hopeless.

I am so glad that is not where my story ends.

God has done an amazing work in me over the last few months. He has filled my heart with joy and hope. Where I felt broken and wounded, God brought restoration and healing. God did the work, and all I had to do was surrender. I brought all my anxiety, fear, loneliness, and sorrow, and I laid them all at His feet. I can’t even begin to explain how freeing that was. My words are utterly inadequate to describe the peace found in complete and total surrender to God. Suffice it to say, like the Grinch, my small heart grew three sizes that day.

I found myself laughing again, and finding joy in life. It was refreshing to feel that again. And somewhere along the way, I stopped being a hopeless romantic and became a hopeful romantic. Hope that my best days were not behind me. Hope in God’s redeeming power. Hope that God has a good plan for me and that He will be faithful to complete it. Hope that one day, I will be able to share the love in my heart with someone again.

Even though I was starting to feel hopeful, I wanted to be careful. I was coming out of a place of deep hurt, and the idea of putting my heart on the line again was frightening. Also, I knew that I needed time to heal, and I wasn’t sure how long that would take me. I didn’t want to place all my hope in the idea of a relationship that might not come for years if it came at all. So I placed any hope for a future relationship in Jesus’ hands. I didn’t want to be carrying it around with me. And for the most part, that is where I left it.

From time to time, my mind has wandered towards the idea of a future romance. And sometimes, friends would ask me how I felt about that possibility. But it seemed so far off, and any hope I had in that area was mixed with caution and trepidation. So it was easy to dismiss the idea and give it back to God. But all the while, Jesus was working on my heart in that area more than I realized.

A few weeks ago, I was invited to a get-together. It sounded fun, and I was looking forward to it. However, the day before it, I became very nervous. But not in a scared or worried way. It was more like nervousness mingled with excitement. I had realized that I knew a girl who might be there. Someone who is close to my age, and who, I am fairly sure, is single. Someone who is not only beautiful but whose character and relationship with God I admire. Suddenly, the possibility of romance became very real. And I found hope rising in my heart in a way that completely surprised me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying or implying that I have feelings for this girl. What I felt was less about her specifically and more about what she represented. Up until that day, there was a lingering thought in the back of my mind that I might never find someone who made me feel that way again. But here was proof that I could feel that again. And the mere possibility of romance was thrilling to my heart. All my caution and worry was gone, and it was refreshing. It was a milestone. Concrete evidence of how much healing God had done in my heart.

Ironically, it turned out that she wasn’t even there that day. But that’s okay with me. I don’t know if she could be the one for me or not. Maybe one day soon I’ll get the chance to find out. But that’s a mystery for another day.

For now, it is enough to know that even the possibility of romance exists. That area of my life isn’t dead. It is thriving, and there is hope there again. Hope that still rests in Jesus. And He has never let me down.

Valentine’s day will come and go this year, and for me, it will be an uneventful day. But you won’t find me mourning it or drowning in my sorrows. I am going to celebrate it anyway. I will celebrate the good work that Jesus has done in my heart, and I will celebrate the hope I have through Him.

My Grandfather and Me

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandfather. He passed away a few years ago, and I miss him so much. He was a quiet man, not the type to make a scene or draw attention to himself. He was a hard worker, was quick to help people in need, and had a strong faith in Jesus. He also found joy in everything, and he dearly loved to laugh.

My brother and I used to try so hard to make him laugh. We would go out of our way to get his attention or act silly in front of him. It didn’t take much effort either. He adored spending time with us and was quick to include us in what he was doing. He would ride us around on his tractor, and if we asked extra nice, he would let us steer it for a bit. When he worked in his barn, we got to hang out in there with him and he would show us his tools. 

My grandparents, Voyt and Helen, with my Dad

It never mattered how busy he was, he always made time for us. Often, he would sit and watch us play for hours. In church, he would sneak us butterscotch candy when no one was looking. When we wanted a slingshot, he carved us one. And when we wanted a treehouse, he built us one. It was free standing and not actually in a tree, but that didn’t matter at all to us. We loved it because he built it. I have so many great memories of him and of the time I got to spend with him.

I still have the slingshot he made me

One of my favorite memories with him happened while we were sitting on his front porch. He always had a pocket knife with him, and he was very fond of using it to whittle. It was only me and him there this particular day. Without missing a beat, he pulled a second knife from his pocket, and he handed it and a small chunk of wood to me. I didn’t know what to carve, and I couldn’t tell what he was trying to carve, but that didn’t seem to matter. We sat there in silence and carved away at the wood. The only sound was the wind rustling in the trees and a hummingbird fluttering away nearby. He always kept a hummingbird feeder hanging from his porch and he loved to sit and watch them.

I was eighteen at the time, and a little over a month away from moving to Kentucky to start college. We had been sitting there on the porch for what felt like hours. I had aimlessly carved the small wooden lump into an even smaller wooden lump. I sat it down on the ground and looked up to find him smiling at me. There was so much love in that smile. He asked me to tell him about the college I was going to go to. I was so excited about college that I didn’t hesitate, despite the fact that I had already told him about it more than once. He smiled the whole time and listened intently. And when I finished, he told me how proud of me he was.

My grandfather was a man of few words, but he could do more with his few words than most men can. That day, he gave me a gift, though I didn’t realize it at the time. He was pouring his strength into me. And he had been doing it my whole life, slowly and deliberately.

Each and every day, he demonstrated what true character was. He taught me how a man should act. He lived it in front of me. His actions and his words poured into me. At a time in my life when so many things were trying to tear me down, my grandfather built me up. He helped mold me into who I am today.

My favorite picture of my grandfather

That day on his front porch, his words were soft and simple, but they carried weight for me. He said “I’m proud of you,” but what my heart heard that day was even more profound. It was an affirmation of the deepest kind because what he really spoke into my life was this: You did it. You made it. You are a man now. 

I miss my grandfather so much, and as proud of me as he was that day, the truth is that I am even more proud of him. He was an amazing example of strength and character to me. He didn't often speak of his faith in God, but he lived it every day. I am so grateful that God placed him in my life, and I am proud to be his grandson. I have tried to live my life so far in a way that would honor him. And I hope that he would still be proud of me. But more than that, I want to pass on the gift he gave me.

My daughter, Jocelyn, and my grandfather reading a book together about one year before he passed away

I have a wonderful daughter who is smart, funny, kind, and a little bit sassy. I want to pour my strength into her the way he poured into me. I want to be an example for her of what real strength and character looks like. I want to always make time for her, and make sure she knows how much I love her. I want to involve her in the things that are important to me, and I want to be a part of the things that are important to her. She is an amazing little girl, and she is going to be an even more amazing woman. I am so grateful that I get to be a part of her life.

Are there people in your life that poured into you? And is there anyone in your life that needs you to to be an example for them?

Jesus, help me to lead and to love my daughter well. I can’t be what she needs without you. Help me to make my life always point her back to you. Help me to be strong when she needs my strength, and tender when she needs my love. Let my life be an example for her the way my grandfather was for me. Thank you, Jesus, for placing both my grandfather and my daughter in my life.

And Jesus, thank you for all the other people in my life who helped make me who I am today. Thank you for putting them around me and for their love towards me. Use me God to pour into others. Let me be an example that brings people back to you. But let my witness be more than just my words. Let my choices and my actions point people to You as well. Help me to live each day in Your strength.

Forgive and Forget

Ever heard the expression “forgive and forget”? I’ve heard it lots and even said it a few times myself. But how often do we follow through with it? When you forgive someone, do you really forget what they did? I know I have a hard time with that. I have trouble remembering what I ate two days ago, or what I came to Walmart to get. But the hurts I’ve felt, those I tend to remember with frightening clarity.

So how exactly are we supposed to forget those things?  I’m not so sure that we are, but I’ll get to that in a moment. First, we need to put things in the proper order. Before we can forget the pains, we must forgive those who caused them.

And let’s be honest. For many of us, even when we say that we forgive someone, we hang on to the hurt anyway. We hold it against them. We refuse to let it go and we don’t move on. All too often, we don’t forgive and forget. Instead, we forget to forgive. Or more likely, we choose not to forgive.

The human race has a remarkable propensity for holding onto our resentment. We cling to our hurts and turn them into grudges. We seek vengeance or some sort of restitution. We probably even feel that we deserve to get payback. We want the ones who hurt us to suffer as well. An eye for an eye. And some of us can be patient with it too. We’ll hold onto to those grudges for years, decades, or for the rest of our lives. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold.

But even when that person does suffer in return, is it ever enough for you? Does seeing them suffer cause your suffering to be less? Does it make you feel better? And can their suffering undo or negate what was done to you? I don’t think it can. And that’s why forgiveness is so important.

Jesus had a lot to say about forgiveness. There are many passages in the Bible about it, but there is one that stands out for me. It happened at arguably the most important moment in the Bible. The most important moment in all history. It happened while Jesus was on the cross. Let me set the scene for you.

Jesus had been betrayed by one of his closest friends. He was arrested, questioned, and beaten. They beat Him with a whip made of leather, and there were pieces of bone and metal attached to the leather straps. With each stroke of the whip, the bone and metal would rip away the skin from His back. They struck Him with it thirty-nine times.

The soldiers mocked Him, spat in His face, and stripped Him of His clothes. They repeatedly beat Him over the head with a staff and took turns punching Him. Then He was made to parade down the streets carrying the very piece of wood they intended Him to die on. Then they nailed His hands and feet to that cross and drove a crown of thorns into His head.

In our culture, images of Jesus on the cross do not depict the scene well. Often Jesus looks clean and relatively unscathed on the cross. In truth, He would have been a mess. He was beaten to the point that He was likely unrecognizable. He would have had bruises all over him, and blood would have been everywhere.

The physical suffering He endured was intense and constant. But, the crowd was equally unrelenting. They continued to mock Him, hurling insults and laughing at His suffering. While He hung there on the cross, the soldiers even started gambling to see who would get his clothes. 

In the face of the emotional torment and physical abuse, it would have been easy for Jesus to hate them. He could have cursed them, but He didn’t. Instead, Jesus did something remarkable. Despite all that pain and suffering, Jesus cried out:

“Father, forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing.”

Take a moment and think about that. Let it sink in. Jesus forgave them.

There are a few things happening in that story that I want to draw your attention to. Notice that Jesus forgave them in the middle of His pain. He didn’t wait until the pain was over or until He felt better about it all. Also, none of them asked Jesus to forgive them. They didn’t come to Jesus with an apology and a heartfelt speech about how sorry they were. Yet He forgave them anyway. Also notice that when Jesus forgave them, it didn’t change their attitude or behavior. They kept right on hating and mocking Jesus. 

What an amazing model for how we should practice forgiveness. We should forgive even if we are still hurting. We should forgive even when they don’t ask for forgiveness and even if they don’t deserve it. And we should forgive them, even if their behavior doesn’t change.

In light of that, you might wonder why we forgive each other at all. If they don’t deserve it, they didn’t ask for it, and their behavior hasn’t changed, why on earth should we forgive them? It’s because forgiveness doesn’t change them, it changes you. And forgiveness can’t change the past, but it can change your future.

When we forgive someone, we aren’t pretending that the hurt didn’t happen. And the offending party isn’t off the hook. There can still be consequences for their actions, and at some point, they will have to face what they have done.

But when you truly forgive someone, something amazing happens. It sets you free. There is a beautiful depiction of what I mean in the book “The Art of Forgiving” by Lewis Smede. He writes: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

When we hold onto our hurt and refuse to forgive, it traps us. We become ensnared in our pain. And the longer we stay in the trap, the more our hurt opens us up to other painful emotions: fear, regret, anger, and hatred. Those feelings fuel each other, and they can grow until they consume us. All the while, they never really fix the problem. They don’t make our pain go away. We stay bound by the pain and chained to the hurt we feel.

Forgiveness is a much better option. However, forgiveness doesn’t take away that initial pain. It can’t undo what’s been done. Instead, forgiveness opens the prison door. It loosens the chains that hold us. It shows us a path out of our pain. But we still have to choose to walk that path. And that is where the other half of the phrase “forgive and forget” comes into play.

Though, I don’t believe forget is the best word choice. I don’t think you can truly forget it. But we can let it go. We can choose to move forward and to not let what happened to you define or control you. We take one small step away from our pain, and then another step. Each time the pain comes rushing back in, we have to chose to let it go all over again. Do that enough and one day you will turn around and look behind you to discover that you can’t even see the pain anymore. You might remember that it was there, but you won’t feel it’s sting anymore.

Forgiveness can be one of the toughest things we ever do, but it is also one of the most beautiful as well. It is an act of love that is deep and profound. And it will change your life. If you are harboring hurt and resentment, I challenge you to let it go. Forgive those who caused it. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to have the joy and wholeness it brings.

There is a freedom that comes from actually speaking forgiveness to the person who hurt you. If you can, reach out to that person and declare “I forgive you.” They may respond to you, or they may not. Either way, it helps you to let go and begin to heal. And even if you can’t reach out to them directly, there is still power in speaking the words out loud. Something about actually saying the words helps to solidify it in our hearts. It makes it real and can be an important step in our healing.

I say all this from experience. It’s not just words on a page to me. I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, and every step of the way forgiveness set me free. But I wouldn’t be able to forgive if Jesus hadn’t first forgiven me. We all make mistakes and need forgiveness too. And sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves.

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing either. We daily need to forgive and be forgiven. Holding onto your hurts is a heavy load to bear, no matter if the pain is fresh or if you have been holding onto it for years. Maybe its something you tried to forgive previously, but you find yourself still dealing with it again. Chose to let it go again. It's worth it. Make it your prayer today.

Jesus, today I need your forgiveness. I messed up again. I am so sorry. Thank you that you give forgiveness freely, even though I don’t deserve it. If I have caused pain to anyone, I pray that they would forgive me. Help me to make amends to them if it’s at all possible. And help me to forgive those who hurt me as well. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from them after you gave it to me so freely? Jesus, I forgive them.

To the man who caused the end of my marriage, I forgive you. I forgive you for the pain you caused me and my daughter. I forgive you.

To my ex-wife, I forgive you for taking our family down this path. I forgive you for all the sorrow you brought into my life, and for the pain and the heartache I have had to endure. I forgive you.

To the people in my life who have looked down on me and made me feel worthless, I forgive you.

To the kids from elementary and high school who bullied me, I forgive you.

To the girl in high school who led me on and broke my heart because of a dare, I forgive you.

To the athletic coach who belittled me in front of the other kids over something I had no control over, I forgive you.

To all the people who told me I was fat or ugly, I forgive you.

To the college professor who tried to fail me because I didn’t change my beliefs to match his, I forgive you.

To the person who stole my favorite guitar, I forgive you.

To all the people who took advantage of me over the years, I forgive you.

To the boss who tried to pass the blame onto me for their own mistakes, I forgive you.

And to anyone else who has ever hurt me, I forgive you.

Jesus, I forgive them all. I choose to lay the pain at your feet again today. I‘m not strong enough to carry it on my own, and I don’t want to be bound in those chains any longer. Thank you for the gift of Your forgiveness.