With speed and determination, the knight dashes forward. He races toward the danger with reckless fury. His sword and shield held high as he charges ahead to face his opponent the dragon. And not just any dragon. This is the fiercest and most cunning dragon in the land. No knight has ever fought him and lived.
But this knight isn’t afraid. He runs to the battle because the dragon has something precious to the knight: his lady, the beautiful princess. And nothing will stand in the way of their love. So the knight fights for all he is worth, and after a long and grueling battle, he emerges victorious. The dragon is defeated. The knight has won the day and the heart of the princess. And they lived happily ever after.
It’s a captivating and familiar story. Versions of it are told over and over again in our culture. And almost every child instinctively knows the story. It’s woven into our subconscious. As a kid, I definitely wanted to be the knight. I wanted to test my strength and fight the dragon. And I longed to win the love of a beautiful maiden.
Brave knights and beautiful princesses. Our culture has romanticized them. Their imagery and depictions abound. Disney has made a media empire from them. And we have taken the idea and pushed it to extremes. We’ve made them flawless in our eyes.
Take the knight for instance. He stands tall and proud. Classically handsome with a movie star grin. A look of pure determination on his face. The sharp blade of his sword hangs by his side. His armor is beautiful and fierce, all at the same time. Bright silver in color with an ornate gold inlay on the chest. This knight stands out among the crowd. He is no peasant or lowly countryman. He is regal and royal. In short, he is practically perfect in every way.
And that is the image that so many boys and men try to live up to. The perfect, flawless hero. Similarly, many young girls try to live up to the image of the princess.
But can any of us ever really live up to such perfection? I don’t think we can. And often, some of our deepest wounds occur the day we discover that we can’t live up to those impossible expectations.
But it’s not just ourselves that we hold to such high standards. We also learn to expect it in others, especially when it comes to dating relationships. We look for Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect. We seek out that idealized version. And often, our own expectations can set the bar so high that no one can ever meet it. We set each other up to fail.
In high school and college, there was a piece of advice I heard over and over again. I heard it in school and in church. I heard it from my parents, coaches, mentors, and friends. The advice was this:
Make a list of exactly what you want from a future mate, and don’t settle for anything less than what’s on that list.
I don’t think that is necessarily bad advice, but I have always thought it was incomplete advice. Take me for example. As a young man, I had no clue what I really wanted. And so my list was skewed to look like the picture-perfect version of the princess. I wrote about her hair color, height, and the color of her eyes. I listed the ideal jobs she should have and fun hobbies or activities that we should want to do together. And that’s all well and good, but not one single item on my list described her character. I was missing the point of the entire exercise.
But there was something else I was missing as well. I was so focused on how I thought the princess should be, that I never stopped to consider myself and the kind of man I wanted to be. And I needed to know who that guy was before I could know what I really wanted and needed out of a relationship. That was a lesson that I didn’t learn until much later in life.
If I could go back and give advice to my teenage self, I would change that list. Instead of writing about what I expected the girl to be like, I would first write a list about the man I wanted to be.
And when my daughter is old enough, that is the advice I intend to give her. To write a list about the kind of person she wants to be. Figure that out first, and start working towards it. And I want her to know that she doesn’t have to look or act exactly like the princess our culture says she should be. God made her unique, and He didn’t mess up when he created her. I want to encourage her to be her own kind of princess, and then she can find the right kind of prince.
As for me, the circumstances of the past year have caused me to think a lot about the kind of man I am and who I want to be. Life wasn’t fair, and my character was put to the test. It was painful and there were days I wanted to give up. But the goodness of God got me through it. My faith in Him is stronger, and I am even more certain of the kind of man I want to be.
I still want to be the knight, but not the picture perfect fantasy version. His armor is too perfect and unblemished. No signs of battle on it anywhere. And frankly, that knight looks like he came from the spa instead of the battlefield. That’s not who I am, and it’s not who I want to be.
You see, my armor isn’t bright and shiny. It looks tattered and marred. It has known battle. It’s been tested by the fire, and it withstood the heat. And it’s not just my armor that looks rough. I have wounds and battle scars as well. I don’t look regal or royal, and I don’t stand out in the crowd. But I know how to fight. I know what it takes to stare the dragon in the face and to stand my ground.
So here is my declaration of intent. This is the man I choose to be:
First and foremost, I want to be the kind of man who seeks after God. Without Him as my guide, I will never be the kind of leader I desire to be. And I want my faith in Him to be an example for my family.
I want to be the kind of man who goes to battle for the ones I love. To pour out my strength to protect and defend them. Both in earthly battles and in spiritual battles as well.
I want to be the kind of husband and father that prays diligently for my family. The kind of man who gets down on his knees and cries out to God for the sake of my family.
I want to be the kind of man that would lay down my life for my family. The kind of man that puts their needs ahead of my own desires.
I want to be an honest and trustworthy man. The kind of man that brings honor to my family. I want to defend the truth and stand up for what is right.
I want to be the kind of husband and father that encourages my family. I want my words and actions to lift them up and not tear them down. I want to give of myself to help them reach their full potential.
I want to be the kind of man that helps those in need. The kind of man who fights for those who can’t fight for themselves. I want to be the kind of man that gives hope to those around me.
I want to be the kind of husband and father that my family could look up to. The kind of man that they could be proud of.
I know that I am not perfect, and I will mess up sometimes. So I want to be the kind of man who owns up to my mistakes. I want to be the kind of man that is willing to admit when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness. I want to be the kind of man that is not afraid to ask for help when I need it.
I want to be the kind of man who doesn’t take the easy way out. The kind of man willing to put in the hard work and do the right thing, even when others don’t.
I want to be the kind of man that is slow to anger and quick to forgive.
That is who I want to be. That is how I want to live my life every day. And some days I am better at it than others. I am still a work in progress, but aren’t we all. I hope I never reach a place where I think I am so good and perfect that I stop trying to be better.
No, I’m not the perfect knight from the fairy tale. I don’t look the part. I don’t have the chiseled jawline and the perfect smile. I’m not rich or famous. But that’s okay with me. I am proud of the man that I am. And one day the right princess will look at me and still see a prince. Until then, I will hold fast and continue to be the kind of man God has created and called me to be.
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